can't con an honest john lyrics

Using the following, I'm going to show you
(A)
How to con someone using their own greed, 'B'
(B)

That you won't feel bad 'cos
They're trying to con you anyway, and, 'C'
Taking their money, as I have come to realize
Running the beats is just getting people's confidence

This scam only works 'cos that man
Thinks he's working this scam
And that you man off his mark
Get your mate, let's call your mate Piers

No, not Piers, let's call him Farquhar
Anyway get Farquhar to crawl into a bar with his dog
Like I said, the barman will try and con you later
But you're gonna take all his money

Anyway, get Farquhar to pass into a local bar
And call to the bar to look after a dog for a dart
Just for twenty quid for a while, claiming that he hated it
But it was worth more than his car

This, by the way, requires
That you find and supply Farquhar
With an animal, and a life, from your local park
Get a nice dog that doesn't bark
But not so nice that someone might
Miss this mutt from the park

Anyway, using this technique
You're gonna take all this man's money
But you're not gonna care
'Cos he's gonna fucking deserve it

You'll never con an honest John
An honest John you can't drag down
(Exactly)
Con-do-lee get conned

When they think they're the cunning one
(It's all one big con)
Neighbor you won't con
An honest John

Now listen, get Farquhar to dart out the bar
And just shop for some garm's, maybe
Just to pass an hour or so
I would go shopping 'cos I gave up drinking
But whatever, just have Farquhar down the road

Now you walk in the bar, walk up to the barman
Order a jar, when you've caught him slouched on his own
Start eying the dog that he's minding by his side
Currently vibe him and start on about the dog you own

Start asking the barman, if it's his fine specimen of a dog
Nod, smile, agree, look interested and cool
When he tells you it's someone else's you've just left previous
Tell him, 'This is a very rare breed of animal'

Last time I lied my manager swiped me
But lie and tell him it's like a fucking
Red-eared hunting Spaniel
Tell him it's worth six-hundred quid
And you would pay handsomely
If you were to accept finance at all

You'll never con an honest John
(Sometimes)
An honest John you can't drag down
(Sometimes I think I should just go completely)
Con-do-lee get conned

When they think they're the cunning one
Neighbor you won't con an honest John
(Keep listening though
It's important that you keep listening)

Now take all his shopping off him
Get your mate Farquhar to pop in
Looking straight gutted a bit later on
He should order a jar, talk at the bar

Ensure he looks calm, warm with the barman
And generally start conversating on
Farquhar should start falling apart
About how he's arsed up some chance

And how arsed up his day was
Or in the event, the spread betting
He's getting ready to accept
That his rent's not getting payed up

The barmans mind will chime slowly for a while
He might wipe the bar, as his mind is making sums
Farquhar should continue to moan about money
And that this mutt is not the greatest of his worries

And like 'ching', the barman will five out of six times
Kindly offer his greed to buy
The dog for a price of three hundred quid
And after some bartering

Your barman will haggle
And charge harder
In greed of the scent
Of the scheme in his head
(That's right, neighbor)

You'll never con an honest John
An honest John you can't drag down
Con-do-lee get conned
When they think they're the cunning one
(The barman, is gonna see
How much he can stitch you up for)

Neighbor you won't con an honest John
(How does that work?
'Cos' every time it's based around
Someone who thinks they're conning you)

They'll never imagine the whole scenario
Is prepared solely for him, why should he?
That sort of paranoia
Can get you in the loony bin

As I have come to realize
Running the beats is
Just getting people's confidence
And then taking their money
It's all one big con